A Mac Cheese Update (from the road)

Late Breaking News:

Cracker Barrel has AWESOME mac cheese!

And now back to the regularly scheduled post...

A scout of mine procured the Kraft Mac Cheese Crackers. Last night I tried the cheddar flavored ones. Here’s my review:

A tasty cracker ingeniously shaped like an elbow macaroni. At first taste, it's just okay. But as with fine wine, the more you have the better it gets. The coating is a little grainy just like the powdered cheese you get in the box when you are making the real thing. Please tell me I’m not the only one who has licked the spoon after mixing the cheese powder, milk, and butter. (Hi I’m Earnestine May a mac-cheeseaholic and I’ve licked the finger I stuck in the still grainy mixture while reconstituting the cheese. Confessions are good for the soul.) Anywho - if you are a spoon or finger licker, you’ll really like this cracker. It grows on you (and grows in you - a syndrome known as “mac cheese booty”.)

I’ll be trying other flavors on this trip. I may be bootylicious, but after all the hiking I’m hoping it will be a booty al dente.

I Want To Die WITH a To-Do List - Not Because of One!

FYI - platform building and getting ready to go on vacation seem to be mutually exclusive events. AND for some silly reason I'm craving kasespaetzle from Heidelberg. (Basically that's German mac cheese.) NO we are not going to Germany for vacation. We're going hiking in Yellowstone. AND that means no cute shoes or flip flops for me. I wonder if I could figure out how to make trail mix out of mac cheese?

How to Build a Platform Out of Mac Cheese

The first email I read this morning with eager anticipation said "HOW TO GET 5,550 NEW SUBSCRIBERS IN 18 MONTHS" in the subject line. For those of you who don't know, I'm in the process of building a large platform (no, not to hold me up). Basically a "platform" is your audience which equates to the number of subscribers you have to your blog, newsletter, etc. Your My Space and facebook friends are also part of your platform.

Saving the planet one person at a time is a rewarding, but tedious process. I'm learning that publishers want me to save the planet about 10,000+ people at a time. The New York Times Best Seller list is home to writers who are saving around 10,000 or more people in a week. Let me just say, I need a few more subscribers if I am going to get close to 10,000. Since I want to eat more mac cheese on Le Tour Eiffel, then I'm gonna have to get moving. I need all the instruction I can get. Hence the reason for opening said email this morning.

So here's what the message told me:

1. Send out free coaching sessions and dozens of people will want to have sessions with you.

Problem is I'm not a coach and I'm pretty sure that a free session is still approaching things one person at a time. I could offer a free coaching session at curves. I've gotten pretty good on their equipment (and I did read that book I got last week.) From the looks of all of us who go there - somebody needs to be coaching us - so why can't it be me? Maybe I should offer free mac cheese. Better yet - how about group mac cheese sessions. I'll fire up several different boxes with a variety of flavors (white cheese, extra cheesy, extra sharp, etc.) and noodle shapes. We can all get together and share about our experience with each type of mac cheese. Oh boy - now I'm hungry.

2. Make offers and have people purchase things from you on-line that generate great revenue with each email.

Problem here is I don't have a product except myself and I think it's illegal in this part of Irving to sell THAT! Perhaps I should start a mac cheese store and drop ship for Kraft. I did send a friend a case of Count Chocula once for her birthday (Amazon wouldn't ship just a box).

3. Stop having to work so hard doing other marketing activities.

Does that mean I might have to stop blogging? But what will both of you do if I don't keep writing?

SHOOT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES (a favorite saying of my mother, except she didn't say "shoot" - you are on your own to figure out what word she did use).

I read the darn email wrong. I'm supposed to do all that stuff AFTER I get a big emailing list. To find out what I AM supposed to do, I have to finish reading his email. I only got as far as page one and then I started blogging (it's kind of like having Tourette's - I just can't control myself.) It is a six page email! I didn't read page one very well and now I'm supposed to pay attention for 5 more pages!?!

Oh boy - I just glanced at what he has to say pages 4-6. It seems I have 10 other things to do, but now I'm out of time (the story of my life). Hey I just thought about something that could save me some time. If both of you could find me 5,000 readers each, I could skip this whole platform building business. Let me know how that goes. In the meantime, I have to go save another life.

I promise, I'll write more soon. I actually meant to talk about me being on Oprah, but I got sidetracked. I'll get back to you soon...

Free Stuff

I've encountered many benefits from blogging. The outlet for my creativity is priceless. Saving the planet one word at a time is a major benefit as well. An income stream trickle drip dribble drop is - well - rewarding. And it helps build patience. I've made 23 cents since I started blogging in May. Google will cut me a check after I earn $99.77 more dollars. At this rate I'll get a check before I'm 60!

But by far the best aspect of blogging is free stuff. Today a dear reader sent me a book in the mail. She saw it and thought of me while shopping at Sal's (a well know national boutique also known as the Salvation Army - which is where I would be sleeping were I depending on my blogging income stream trickle drip dribble drop to support me.) She paid 50 cents for a Curves book and mailed it to me which cost another $4.64. That's over 5 whole bucks she spent on me (20 times more than I've earned so far.)

A few weeks ago a bag from Sonic showed up at my house. Another dear reader came by and left it in the living room while I was in session. I had no clue what was in the bag even after I opened it. It appeared to be some sort of fried food. I examined it for a minute and thought about calling the bomb squad in case someone from Dell or Microsoft was trying to rid the world of me. Perhaps their income stream had become a drop due to my blogs. But I was pretty sure this friend wasn't a double agent or a hired hit woman - so I took a leap of faith and bit into the mystery morsel.

OMG - it was fried mac-cheese. I knew about fried Twinkies and fried cheesecake, but who knew that Sonic had taken such a good thing and made it better with batter. I know you are not supposed to look up the price of a gift, but she paid $2.69 for those babies (maybe I need to set up a fried mac-cheese stand in front of my house - could be more profitable than blogging).

But the piece de resistance BY FAR is the coffee mug I won. Remember little Elliot - the 8 year old chap in the UK who has a podcast? If you don't, check out my blog post about him (he really is a major force.) Anyway, he has a contest each week during the podcast and I won! So Elliot sent me a coffee mug all the way from the mother land with his picture on one side and MY NAME on the other side. I'm not sure how much the mug cost (I'm not that rude - yet), but the postage was 7.81 British Pounds Sterling - not plain old shrinking US dollars. Which means Elliot (or more likely Sentinel Chicken - you'd know who that was if you listened to Elliot's show) spent almost $15 in postage to send me this priceless mug. A conservative estimate of the total funds channeled my way from Sparkle Studios is about $25.

Adding it all up that's:

$0.23 from Google Ad Sense
$5.00 for the Curves book
$2.69 for the fried mac-cheese from Sonic
$25.00 for the SparkleCast Mug

I've earned almost $33.00 of stuff as a result of this blogging thing. Of course I'm two grand into Apple for the new computer I had to buy to keep posting, but that is another story.

So today I celebrate blogging and FREE STUFF. Who knows what'll show up next....

Na Na Hey Hey - Goodbye

“There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall, and the bells in the steeple too, and up in the nursery an absurd little bird is popping out to say cuckoo - cuckoo, regretfully it tells us, but firmly it compels us to say goodbye to you...”

These words are ringing in my ears. They greet me when I wake up. They fly in at random times - even during pit stops. They are playing in the background of my mind right now as I type. They remind me of my mother. The Sound of Music was our favorite movie. We saw it five times which might not sound like much, but we didn’t have VCRs or DVDs back then. We saw all 2 hours and 54 minutes of it five 5 times in the theater.

I might wonder if I am “cuckoo - cuckoo”, but I know better. Of course I've always been cuckoo (and not even for coco puffs.) But thankfully I am not insane (anymore.) The cuckoo ringing in my ears isn’t even my mother haunting me. It’s the sound of me saying “so long - farewell”.

Mr. Einstein would be proud of me. It took me a while, but I finally gave up my insanity. I’ve officially stopped doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. (For the history on my mental illness you can read my blogs on May 27 and April 27 .)

On Saturday I turned over a much anticipated - too long in the making - new leaf. The official announcement follows...

Announcing the Newest Member of Our Family

He was brought into our world on...
06/07/2008 at 2:30pm
Weight 5.0 lbs
Measurements 2.78 x 8.92 x 1.08 inches

His given name was MacBook, but In honor of the "mid-husband"
who helped bring him into this world he has been renamed:

"Johnny Apple Zeed" (nicknamed Jaz)

He has two proud Godmothers who also assisted in the birthing process.
We are still learning how to parent him. But he isn’t a bit colicky. There are no crashes, no blue screens, no reboots, no locked keyboards. He is compatible with the other devices in our household and basically he is joy to be around
(obviously he takes after his new mom!)

So “so long farewell, na na hey hey goodbye” to my friends at Dell and Microsoft in Austin, Canada, India, and Jamaica. I’m walking out of the gates of hell (or as I’ve come to know it - Gates’ hell) and into the garden of eden where the Apple trees are in full bloom.

My Hell Smell Del Dell

I was reading the weekly pondering on the website of a a psychotherapist friend of mine. Considering I put the "psycho" in therapy, I was glad to see that I was using her suggestions without realizing it. She was writing about making connections with people to be more a part of life. As you know, from an earlier post of mine I made lots of friends in India thanks to Microsoft Vista. Now I'm getting to make even more friends in India and some in Canada thanks to my hell Dell computer and it's all Elliot's fault!

We decided to get connected to "Skype" so we could be interviewed by this darling little 8 year old boy named Elliot. He lives in the UK and has his own podcast. In my humble opinion he's a phenom. I'm hoping to ride his cute little coat tail to fame and fortune. Anyway, we needed to install a headset and microphone on our laptops to make the interview happen. The installation went fine on Earnest's HP computer, but it crashed my sound card. Now my computer is totally mute (something around here needs to be quiet.).We both have Vista operating systems so it was time to call smell Dell technical support. After several hours they decided I needed a new mother board. Maybe they read my Mutha's Day post and felt sorry for me (can you tell I'm getting really good at links?!) So my new mutha is supposed to be her way (what do you wear to meet your new mutha - comments anyone?)

I think the best part of the story (except for Elliot - he is the real deal, please check out his stuff.) is what happened next. I decided to contact a couple of "woo woo" type people I know who are into energy healing stuff. I was hoping they could send out some good vibes to change my computer mojo (I'm missing Elliot badly!) One of them said he would see what he could do but also told me to get a MAC (no not with cheese). But since I'm taking this making new friends thing so seriously, I'm sticking with the del Dell and Vista. I think owning a MAC would be like being the Maytag repairman - a lonely solitary existence doomed to a life of a fully functional machine. Where's the fun in that?

I'm Still Curvy

I'm sure you guys are anxiously awaiting the results from my first week at the "curvy "place. I don't think I mentioned that I also have a membership at the 24 houry place. I meet a friend there 3 nights a week to do my cardio. Curvy's is where I'm doing strength training. So this week I got in a total of 5 workouts. My big news is - 4 pounds!

I met a woman today who has been going to the "curvy" place for 4 years and her magic number is 20 pounds and holding. I haven't had any mac cheese all week. I know I said I was going to sleep with Mac earlier this week when I mad at Earnest but I decided not to cheat.

All this sounds great doesn't it? Problem is the fricking 4 pounds is weight GAIN and so was the lady's 20 pounds. And don't even give me "the muscle weighs more fat thing". I can't possibly have built 4 pounds of muscle in the last week. And I'm not PMSing - because I'm post-pmsing forever which means the bloating is not going away in two or three days and at this point neither is the bitchiness! Grrrrrr.

The Importance of Divorcing Earnest

Okay I want to divorce Earnest. That’s how I’m going to handle my jealousy. You know I’m preparing to write a big time book and I’ve been studying as much as possible. Preparation is getting in the way of my writing. I’m very prepared, but not very prolific right now or at least not as prolific as Earnest. In all my studies, no one bothered to explain how to deal with writer’s jealousy. Earnest is blogging more than me. Now I have to divorce him. I still love him. I just hate him. I’m wondering how it’s going to be to throw the baby out with the bath water (did someone really throw a baby away when they were pouring out dirty water – I never did get that one.)

Here’s the catch - the book I’m working on is one about being married to Earnest. As a matter of fact, Earnest is writing it with me. But now he’s blogging more than me and I’m pouting about it. I think divorce is an outward expression of an inner pout. I'll see how I feel in the morning, but I'm guessing I'll be Googling lawyers in the morning (hmmm now that's something to think about.) For now, I'm going to bed with Mac (cheese that is).

Oh honey you don't look like you weigh that much.

As you may remember, a few weeks ago, I discovered that I am my own brand. Now I’m learning that me, my brand, and I need to be building a “platform”. The platform (people who get your newsletters, go to your workshops, etc.) needs to be a big one to make me more attractive to agents and publishers. For me a platform needs to be a big one to support my family sized (thanks to mac cheese) booty.

Since I want it all – a BIG platform AND a smaller booty. I decided to take me and my booty over to Curves (before I go to Curves each day I’ll need to carb load on mac cheese.) I’m here to tell you that I met my new best friend today at Curves. It's the woman who enrolled me. We’ll just call her Mrs. Curves. She showed me the circuit and it looked doable. I decided to sign right on up. Now comes the fun part. Mrs. Curves now knows things about me that dear Earnest (and you) will NEVER know and I’m not a big secret keeper.

In a kind, soft, but regretful voice, Mrs. Curves asked “how much do you weigh?” I’d just gotten the bad news earlier on my own scale. So I took a deep breath, held my head high, and pretended to say the number with self-respect and dignity. Mrs. Curves' response showed surprise and she said in her kind, soft, regretful voice “oh honey you don’t look like you weigh that much.” She might have even meant it. If not, she gave on Oscar worthy performance to get the $34 monthly fee.

Next question – “how old are you?” This time I don’t have to pretend as much to be okay. I tell her I’m 50. Mrs. Curves’ response again shows surprise and her tone is still kind and soft “oh honey you don’t look like you are 50. You look …uh …er ...you look… good.” At this point I don’t know whether to hug Mrs. Curves and make her my honorary auntie or start crying. Does she mean women who are 50 and weigh as much as I do don’t normally look at good as I do – so I must be a wonderful specimen? Or does she mean women who are 50 and weigh as much as I do are repulsive beasts who scare small children? Maybe she thinks I look good because children are only mildly nauseated and anxious in my presence.

I’ve long believed that everything in life is a choice and that every choice has a consequence. Consequently, I’ve chosen to go with the “I must be a wonderful specimen” option. Since I look so darn good, I better keep doing what I’m doing and eat an extra serving of mac cheese tonight. After all it’s gotten me this far…

Mutha's Day

Another weekend of writing for dear ol' Earnestine means a trip to Kroger for supplies. After the last full weekend at the computer (see post of April 25), I decided to fore go the mac cheese and do a juice fast (really). This time I only traveled the outer aisles during the visit to the store. That's where all the "real" food lives (it's very sad on those outer aisles). It's also where the seasonal stuff can be found. Since nothing or no one has ever climbed out of my womb and my own mother died several years ago, I don't pay much attention to Mother's Day, but Kroger is doing an excellent job of marketing. I became acutely aware that Sunday is Mother's Day and Saturday is Hispanic Mother's Day (no I did not make that up) I'm not sure why Hispanic moms get a different day. If you do, please let me know.

But, I am a mother of sorts (no not a mutha!) I have bonus kids thanks to Earnest and I have dogbabies. The dogs haven't figured out how to bring me anything other than something ejected from one of their ends. But this year I realized that I have given birth - to words on paper or more accurately LCD. While those words didn't climb out of my womb, they did fall from my heart and mind. I decided to buy my own flowers. Due to the amount of money I've earned from writing, I opted for the $12.99 bouquet of pink roses rather than the $20 harmony bouquet. The roses are making me smile.

As for the juice fast, yuck. There's only one thing I miss more than my mac cheese this weekend and that's my mom.

Reply All

I'm about to barf. Ah... you are thinking the mac cheese might be getting to me. No. That would be a welcome reason to turn my tummy inside out. The reason I have the urge to "toss tacos" tonight is reading other "earnest" writer's blogs. OMG some of them make my need to blow chunks imminent. Of course it's not YOUR blog I'm talking about. Yours is "witty and pretty and bright" (or was that Maria right before she met Tony at the doomed dance?)

At a recent writer's workshop, the instructor promised NOT to create an emailing list. She thought we should exchange emails by choice (I took home one business card.) Problem was, prior to the workshop, she sent a group email with visible "to" addresses. We all came home with the same idea - start a blog. So "reply all" has become the method for all the new bloggers to share with each other. Remember this was a group of earnest writers. Their blogs were pretty heavy and since I gave up smoking pot a long time ago (as is evidenced by the fact that I still call it "pot"), I just can't get "high" enough to meet these folks out in the ethers.

Okay I, too, started a blog, but I did NOT hit reply all. Goodness only knows why you are reading this. Maybe you have insomnia too and are guilty of way too much www dot surfing dot allnightlong. Anyway, tonight I didn't have any warm wonderful words of wisdom worthy of blogging (do I get extra points for using all those "w" words in the same sentence?) So I decided to go read all the other earnest writer's blogs for inspiration. I'm inspired all right - inspired to vomit. Everyone was full of love and light. All I'm full of is tacos (maybe not for much longer).

As you know, from reading prior posts (you do hang on my every word don't you?), I'm a bit concerned with how mac cheese is impacting the size of my booty. Tonight I've seen the light and I've started a new diet. I'll eat dinner then read their blogs. I'll be thinner by morning...

Name Brand or Generic

I've always been a generic kind of girl. I figure why spend money to buy a product name when the store brand's just as good. Except purses that is. Everyone knows how much I like the purses whose brand name rhymes with roach. I admit it. Even when I buy mac cheese in a box I get the store brand. There I said it out loud. A couple of my friends are cringing right now. They wouldn't be caught dead with store brand mac cheese (if not careful it might kill us though!) If the box isn't blue and the name doesn't rhyme with "raft" it isn't going in their basket.

So why in the world is this author talking about brands? Because I just found out I am one. OMG - simple little Earnestine May is her very own brand. No more cheap imitations of me. No hiding behind someone else's wisdom. I'm "going for it" by writing my own book.

When the book is on the shelf at Barnes and Noble, it needs to say "look at me, that's right take me off the shelf, thumb through my pages, hold me, feel me, look at my picture, TAKE ME HOME!!!!" Oh dear, and I said I wasn't going to write adult content in this blog. It sounds like some crazy profile in getlaidnow dot com.

But evidently, I'd better figure out how get comfortable selling myself. And while I'm at it, I'd better stop eating so much mac cheese. If my book went to press today, we'd have to lay it out in a landscape format so there would be enough room for my butt on the back cover. Okay - now I'm scaring myself. Better stop before I get depressed and fire up a generic bowl of comfort! You know - the stuff that rhymes with "snack please."

TTFN - More soon...

Did Hemingway Eat Mac Cheese?

In preparation for a weekend of writing and website building:

4/24/08, Thursday 7:15pm

Go to club. Do 45 minutes of cardio.

8:30pm
Go to Kroger. Purchase $65 work of saturated trans fat laden carbs. Have not seen this particular collection of items in my basket since 1976. Bypass all outer aisles of grocery store, except to purchase heavy whipping cream (don’t ask.)

9:30pm
Consume pizza, pizza rolls, and Dove Milk Chocolate in a quantity that will take at least 8 hours of cardio to burn. 11:30pmTake laptop into spare bedroom. Begin competitive analysis section of proposal.

04/25/08, Friday 3:30am
After emailing Dixie for feedback (another earnest writer) shut down computer and go to master bedroom. Insert foam earplugs to defend against snoring of both husband and shorty b. dog.

4:30am
Begin to feel sleepy.

7:00am
Awaken to a French kiss (not from husband, but from freddie b. dog).

10am
Reawaken after going back to sleep. Being building website.

12pm
Make cheap family sized box of mac cheese.

12:30pm
Talk to various Web People on phone – sort through mass quantities of bull sh*t from said Web People, end up hosting with Yahoo. Return to stove. Eat mac cheese straight out of pan on stove with a spoon. Go back to laptop sort through more bull sh*t, begin making, progress on website, return to stove, get spoon, eat more mac cheese. Repeat these steps with little variation until 6:02pm.

6:02pm
Write in Earnestine’s diary. Realize that Earnestine stinks… Hopefully Earnestine will make it to the shower before husband gets home or will be left with only dogs to French kiss tonight. (Jeeze – I haven’t had a toothbrush in mouth yet today. Is this what it means to be a writer?)