Getting caught with your panties down near a thundering herd is scary.

As you may know, I’ve been on a “so called” vacation to Yellowstone National Park. So called - because even though I did get to fulfill my need for mac cheese along the road I was banned (by Earnest) from entering the Coach Outlet in Fort Collins, Colorado. It’s right next door to Cracker Barrel where the mac cheese is warm, creamy, and delicious. But we were on a schedule and I was not given permission to go Coach shopping. We are now on the return trip, we are going to stop at the same Cracker Barrel and I’m still barred from the Outlet Stores.

Earnestine’s top 10 reasons why this wasn’t a real vacation:

10. My hiking boots chipped my pedicure and wrecked the cute little flowers I had on my big toenails.

9. Two words - fanny pack.

8. No spa, no beach, no margaritas.

7. Zip off hiking pants may be functional but they are NOT flattering.

6. Did I really need to make visual confirmation that bears do indeed poop in the woods? Being near the top of the food chain is no excuse for poor manners.

5. Getting charged by a thundering herd of bison (okay a tiny exaggeration) with one booty cheek hanging out (not an exaggeration) is scary. Said zip off pants ripped while dodging a coyote earlier in the day. A one inch rip turned into a 12 inch gaping hole. Poor craftsmanship no doubt. (I wonder if Coach makes zip off hiking pants?) I will be asking for my money back! Thankfully I was wearing adorable pink nickers.

4. Doing laundry to get the stench out of your socks shouldn’t be a part of any vacation!

3. Eating lunch out of a buttateria (remember the fanny pack?)

2. Besides being nearly molested by all those animals (and the signs told us not to molest the animals - where were their signs?) our biggest fun was playing the license plate game (btw, there is still a bounty on Hawaii.)

-and-

Earnestine’s number 1 reason why this wasn’t a real vacation

1. No Eiffel tower and no French wine (tant pis pour moi! - now that’s a French whine!)

-and-

Earnestine’s number 1 reason why she’d do all over again in a second?

10 priceless days with Little Lady, Motor Mouth, Crazy Teen,
Pharm Boy, Big Momma, and IPop!

A Message to the Good People at Kraft (from the road)

The other day I was talking to one of my dear readers about the advent of the Kraft Mac Cheese (KMC) crackers. I think I would make a very good spokesmodel for their product. I’m witty, charming and I have the right size booty. You certainly don’t want some skinny bootied runway model for this campaign. You can’t have your spokesmodel throwing up when she sees the box. My friend gently pointed out that I was a fraud and would never land the job because I was willing to eat generic mac cheese.

She’s right. To this point, I have been a mac cheese ho. I’m admitting to having a problem and now I'm making a decision to turn my life and will over the care of the good people at Kraft. I want to make amends for my wrong doing. This is my public apology. I’m sorry I ever let an inferior boxed cheesy noodle cross my lips and land on my hips! I promise to never let this happen again. I am now faithfully and forever yours!

Imagine how nice a bright blue ball cap with a golden yellow mac cheese noodle logo would look on me. No doubt you've heard of the Nike Swoosh. We could could call this logo The Kraft Noodle. I’d love to help them introduce a Kraft Noodle line of apparel, products, and promotions. I have a few ideas:

• Bright blue ball caps with a golden yellow mac cheese colored elbow noodle in the center.

• Bright Blue T-shirts with the noodle logo on the upper left hand front corner. The back of the T-Shirt could say “I’m The Cheesiest.”

• There could be an “I heart Kraft Mac Cheese" campaign. There would be a special edition box of mac cheese with heart shaped noodles introduced at Valentine’s Day (of course.)

• How about a "30 days to a cheesier life series?" We could create 30 recipes using KMC or KMC Crackers - one for each day of the month. (We could tell a heart warming story each day about how KMC was there for us in our time of need.)

• The "30 days to a cheesier life" series could start as a contest (the prize - a year’s supply of KMC) for the best recipe using KMC and the best heart warming KMC story.

• How about a NASCAR car painted blue with the KMC noodles all over it. I don’t know much about race car drivers. Is there one named Mac?

Dear Readers,

I’m hoping you’ll comment on this blog and help me come up with some more product and campaign ideas for my friends at Kraft. Remember, I have young readers so no funny business (email those ideas to me privately :) For those of you who are writing books or starting your own business this is called “the marketing plan” section of the proposal. Consider it practice....

With warm cheesy thoughts,

Earnestine May

A Mac Cheese Update (from the road)

Late Breaking News:

Cracker Barrel has AWESOME mac cheese!

And now back to the regularly scheduled post...

A scout of mine procured the Kraft Mac Cheese Crackers. Last night I tried the cheddar flavored ones. Here’s my review:

A tasty cracker ingeniously shaped like an elbow macaroni. At first taste, it's just okay. But as with fine wine, the more you have the better it gets. The coating is a little grainy just like the powdered cheese you get in the box when you are making the real thing. Please tell me I’m not the only one who has licked the spoon after mixing the cheese powder, milk, and butter. (Hi I’m Earnestine May a mac-cheeseaholic and I’ve licked the finger I stuck in the still grainy mixture while reconstituting the cheese. Confessions are good for the soul.) Anywho - if you are a spoon or finger licker, you’ll really like this cracker. It grows on you (and grows in you - a syndrome known as “mac cheese booty”.)

I’ll be trying other flavors on this trip. I may be bootylicious, but after all the hiking I’m hoping it will be a booty al dente.

Elliot Cuts The Big Cheese

I got to be a "fly on the wall" while Elliot interviewed the big cheese (not mac cheese) today (Earnest). It's always fun to hear Elliot, but today he was awesome. Elliot decided to do lots of research before Earnest's interview. He was infinitely prepared and veered from his standard format a bit. He was spontaneous, charming and scarily well prepared. Way to go Elliot!

I wondered if he might be channeling the spirit of Tim Russert (please Lord don't let it be Anderson Cooper he's channeling - Elliot is too smart for that!) Imagine Elliot with his youthful charm and devious smile (at least I think he was smiling) asking some very hard hitting journalistic questions. Thankfully Mr. Big Cheese is somewhat of a savant as well and was able to provide intelligent responses to Elliot's questions.

Luckily, I don't think any of this will hurt Earnest's political career as:

a. he doesn't have one.

-and-

b. knowing the origin of the name of the little hillbilly's hometown isn't very controversial.

The interview will air Saturday August 2nd.

I Want To Die WITH a To-Do List - Not Because of One!

FYI - platform building and getting ready to go on vacation seem to be mutually exclusive events. AND for some silly reason I'm craving kasespaetzle from Heidelberg. (Basically that's German mac cheese.) NO we are not going to Germany for vacation. We're going hiking in Yellowstone. AND that means no cute shoes or flip flops for me. I wonder if I could figure out how to make trail mix out of mac cheese?

Oprah is NOT my BOFitUK

In a blog last week, I told you I forgot to talk about being on Oprah because I got sidetracked. What I meant by that was NOT that I was actually going to be on Oprah - but I had just done something even more fun being on Oprah as a part of my platform building process.

I’ve been interviewed by my BOFitUK (best only friend in the UK!)

My BOFitUK is Elliot. I’ve talked about him quite a bit in this blog. We finally got our calendars coordinated and he was able to interview me last weekend. The interview will be broadcast on Saturday the 12th of July. Please sign up here to be notified when the show is ready to go.

Here are the top 10 reasons it’s more fun to be interviewed by Elliot and not Oprah...

10. You can’t do the Oprah show from bed in a swimsuit and coverup (oh yes I did.)

9. Elliot has a much better accent and may even be smarter than Oprah.

8. I didn’t have to be analyzed by Dr. Phil before being on Elliot’s show.

7. Elliot probably doesn’t even know who Dr. Phil is.

6. Oprah doesn’t have a personal assistant named Sentinel Chicken who looks up your address on google maps and scares the bejezus out of you by telling you what’s in your neighbor’s backyard. (I wonder if he could see me putting on my swimsuit coverup when I got out of my own pool? Oh holy crap - now I’ve just scared the bejezus out of myself!)

5. I won’t have my career ruined because I was caught jumping up and down on Elliot’s couch. I’m not even sure if Elliot has a couch.

4. Oprah doesn’t have a cool little brother named Gravity Man who lived up to his name and fell out of his chair during my interview (he is gravitationally challenged.)

3. You don’t get to hear Oprah’s dad sending her to the loo right before she comes into the studio.

2. My website won’t crash from all the hits it would have gotten had I been on “her” show.

-and-

The number 1 reason it's more fun to be interviewed by Elliot than Oprah is...

...Oprah didn’t want to interview me and Elliot did - it’s nice to be wanted.

The show airs Saturday July 12. You can have the broadcast delivered directly to your email address. Don’t miss history in the making. This is surely going to be one of those “do you remember where you were when...” events.

Free Stuff and the Bag Lady (Part 2)

...Continued from yesterday.

All of sudden I hear a very sweet voice say “‘ma’am” - thankfully it’s not the carry on cops - it’s another bag lady. She happens to have a spare purple bag (it’s one of those nice shopping bags made out of paper pretending to be cotton.) She had been at a teaching conference and she has two of them inside each other to carry her laptop and all the books she bought at the symposium.

Now she’s come to my rescue and she offered me one of the bags to keep forever! Purple is my favorite color. Now I’ve got four bags to carry on, but the lovely part is that I can put two bags inside the third bag and technically only be carrying one bag. So I stuff the Coach and the Life is Good bag inside the purple paper pretending to be cotton bag and plop my fake-fake laptop bag over my shoulder and I’m good to go. Never mind that my four bags that are technically only two bags take up more room than my three bags originally did. I am finally following the rules and I’ll be able to board the plan without getting arrested! I’ll also have a new purple bag to cherish and remember that some nice sister bag lady sensed my frustration and took care of me without me needing to ask for help. I know in this day and age we’re supposed to take care of ourselves and ask for what we need, etc. But sometimes it’s just plain nice for someone to volunteer a random act of kindness.

So thank you teacher bag lady for the big purple dead tree bag and thank you Starbuck’s Coach bag lady for the tip on how to acquire a fake Coach or two on the streets of the big Apple! Earnest I head back to big D on Sunday and guess what’s on the way home - I poop you not - the only Coach Outlet Store in the State of Texas.

Free Stuff and the Bag Lady (Part 1)

I’m happy to say I’m still enjoying my “free stuff” karma. Today I was on my way out of town for some much needed R & R and a doctor’s appointment with Earnest’s torturer for my “fat little ankles” (don’t ask). Ron was driving down to meet me later in the day.

I was in line at the airport dutifully waiting to feed my Starbuck’s addiction, when a very nice woman commented on my amazingly cool laptop bag. It’s lime green fake silk with an oriental pattern. The inside is hot pink fake silk. The bag is really stunning and gets a lot of compliments. I think it’s a knock off some snazzy brand you can get at Neimans. I, however, landed it for 39.99 at TJ Maxx. I was in there looking for a good deal on a Coach Tote bag. It is rumored that occasionally you will find one in a clearance bin at TJ’s.

Anyway - no Coach that day - only the stunning fake silk - knock off of something laptop bag. I snagged it. My fellow bag lady, in the Starbuck’s line, noticed not only my “fake-fake”, but she noticed the real Coach purse I was carrying. She tells me that she was in NYC four years ago and landed a knock-off Coach on the street for about 40 bucks. Evidently you have to know to whisper “Coach” to the right guy on the street with a big cardboard box and then step into a dark corner to make the transaction. I think it’s a marketing ploy designed to make you think you are getting “real” fenced goods instead of real fake fenced goods. No matter, I felt like today was my lucky day, I am headed to NYC in October to celebrate my birthday with Ron and my zany new friend Dixie. I’ll be asking for Coach gift cards to use with the street vendors in NYC.

So a vente white chocolate mocha latte and a slab of marble pound cake later, I headed toward the gate to hop on my flight to torture city. I had no luggage, but dear lord in Heaven I managed to be carrying an outlawed number of very small carry on bags. (Hi - my name is Earnestine May and I’m a bagaholic.)

Remember, I’ve got my very cool - very real yellow Coach purse, my even cooler fake-fake laptop bag, and my very small “Life is Good Tote”. Add ‘em up and I’ve got a total of THREE bags and I’m getting ready to board an American Airlines plane. American isn’t very popular right now. They’ve started charging folks $15 a pop to check a bag. So people are taking out their frustration by stuffing their carry on bags. American is fighting back by being really strict about the FAA rule of no more than TWO carry on items. I’ve got three and I’m starting to sweat. (continued tomorrow....)

How to Build a Platform Out of Mac Cheese

The first email I read this morning with eager anticipation said "HOW TO GET 5,550 NEW SUBSCRIBERS IN 18 MONTHS" in the subject line. For those of you who don't know, I'm in the process of building a large platform (no, not to hold me up). Basically a "platform" is your audience which equates to the number of subscribers you have to your blog, newsletter, etc. Your My Space and facebook friends are also part of your platform.

Saving the planet one person at a time is a rewarding, but tedious process. I'm learning that publishers want me to save the planet about 10,000+ people at a time. The New York Times Best Seller list is home to writers who are saving around 10,000 or more people in a week. Let me just say, I need a few more subscribers if I am going to get close to 10,000. Since I want to eat more mac cheese on Le Tour Eiffel, then I'm gonna have to get moving. I need all the instruction I can get. Hence the reason for opening said email this morning.

So here's what the message told me:

1. Send out free coaching sessions and dozens of people will want to have sessions with you.

Problem is I'm not a coach and I'm pretty sure that a free session is still approaching things one person at a time. I could offer a free coaching session at curves. I've gotten pretty good on their equipment (and I did read that book I got last week.) From the looks of all of us who go there - somebody needs to be coaching us - so why can't it be me? Maybe I should offer free mac cheese. Better yet - how about group mac cheese sessions. I'll fire up several different boxes with a variety of flavors (white cheese, extra cheesy, extra sharp, etc.) and noodle shapes. We can all get together and share about our experience with each type of mac cheese. Oh boy - now I'm hungry.

2. Make offers and have people purchase things from you on-line that generate great revenue with each email.

Problem here is I don't have a product except myself and I think it's illegal in this part of Irving to sell THAT! Perhaps I should start a mac cheese store and drop ship for Kraft. I did send a friend a case of Count Chocula once for her birthday (Amazon wouldn't ship just a box).

3. Stop having to work so hard doing other marketing activities.

Does that mean I might have to stop blogging? But what will both of you do if I don't keep writing?

SHOOT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES (a favorite saying of my mother, except she didn't say "shoot" - you are on your own to figure out what word she did use).

I read the darn email wrong. I'm supposed to do all that stuff AFTER I get a big emailing list. To find out what I AM supposed to do, I have to finish reading his email. I only got as far as page one and then I started blogging (it's kind of like having Tourette's - I just can't control myself.) It is a six page email! I didn't read page one very well and now I'm supposed to pay attention for 5 more pages!?!

Oh boy - I just glanced at what he has to say pages 4-6. It seems I have 10 other things to do, but now I'm out of time (the story of my life). Hey I just thought about something that could save me some time. If both of you could find me 5,000 readers each, I could skip this whole platform building business. Let me know how that goes. In the meantime, I have to go save another life.

I promise, I'll write more soon. I actually meant to talk about me being on Oprah, but I got sidetracked. I'll get back to you soon...