Where is the complaint department?

When Cheryl Richardson told us to "write, write, write at the Hay House Writers Workshop I attended at Sea my boss came home and took her way too literally. I've had my fingers attached to the keyboard of my beloved Mac so much lately that I think my fingerprints have come off. You might ask "gosh Earnestine, if you are writing so much how come you haven't posted anything lately?"

It isn't that I don't love you - I do. It's just that my boss has been really cracking down on me. She's not letting me write fun stuff. Instead I "write, write, write" content for her soon to be published new MayDecember Secrets Website. I think it's just "wrong, wrong, wrong." My public needs me, but you've been dissed for her sacred project.

I haven't been able to shop for any Coach purses either. We had to go the Apple store on Sunday. It happened to be very near a Coach store and guess what - the boss lady wouldn't let me go in. It was also very near Chicos and I wore Chicos long before anybody knew what Michael Phelps mother looked like (now Debbie's got her own line of Chicos clothing!)

So the boss lady bought some silly back up drive. It does have a cute little Apple mirrored logo on it, but I could have had a lovely new bag for the price of that drive. She's become obsessed (helloooooo - Prozac.) I noticed that Cheryl Richardson was also wearing Chicos the first day of the workshop. I think she just told us to "write, write, write" so there would be more Chicos and Coach bags left for her. I think better advice would have been "write a little, shop a lot, write some more, go shop a lot more, eat some mac cheese, get a pedicure, write a tiny bit more, and then take a nap."

And while I am lodging complaints, I have another big one. Where the heck has all the mac cheese gone? She used it to seduce me into writing in the beginning. Now she's so busy typing (with my fingers) that she won't stop and turn on the stove. I guess she could buy the microwave stuff, but I think I heard her grumbling about somebooty that had a growing problem. Maybe she was referring to one of her clients.

I know the purpose of my blog was to share with you the adventures of an earnest writer aspiring to write a book and get published, but I didn't know it was actually hard work. So let me be clear - this part stinks. It's not much fun, you don't get out much, and most of the people you talk to live in some place called the blogosphere.

Just you wait, one of these days somebody is going to call and want to interview her in person. Then she'll be begging me to go shopping with her. She'll be wanting a pretty, new, hip, modern, adorable, luxurious Coach bag. Then she'll go into Chicos for a sophisticated, sexy, upscale, yet casual, colorful, slinky outfit and you know what...

...I'm a ho - I'll go.

How to Build a Platform Out of Mac Cheese

The first email I read this morning with eager anticipation said "HOW TO GET 5,550 NEW SUBSCRIBERS IN 18 MONTHS" in the subject line. For those of you who don't know, I'm in the process of building a large platform (no, not to hold me up). Basically a "platform" is your audience which equates to the number of subscribers you have to your blog, newsletter, etc. Your My Space and facebook friends are also part of your platform.

Saving the planet one person at a time is a rewarding, but tedious process. I'm learning that publishers want me to save the planet about 10,000+ people at a time. The New York Times Best Seller list is home to writers who are saving around 10,000 or more people in a week. Let me just say, I need a few more subscribers if I am going to get close to 10,000. Since I want to eat more mac cheese on Le Tour Eiffel, then I'm gonna have to get moving. I need all the instruction I can get. Hence the reason for opening said email this morning.

So here's what the message told me:

1. Send out free coaching sessions and dozens of people will want to have sessions with you.

Problem is I'm not a coach and I'm pretty sure that a free session is still approaching things one person at a time. I could offer a free coaching session at curves. I've gotten pretty good on their equipment (and I did read that book I got last week.) From the looks of all of us who go there - somebody needs to be coaching us - so why can't it be me? Maybe I should offer free mac cheese. Better yet - how about group mac cheese sessions. I'll fire up several different boxes with a variety of flavors (white cheese, extra cheesy, extra sharp, etc.) and noodle shapes. We can all get together and share about our experience with each type of mac cheese. Oh boy - now I'm hungry.

2. Make offers and have people purchase things from you on-line that generate great revenue with each email.

Problem here is I don't have a product except myself and I think it's illegal in this part of Irving to sell THAT! Perhaps I should start a mac cheese store and drop ship for Kraft. I did send a friend a case of Count Chocula once for her birthday (Amazon wouldn't ship just a box).

3. Stop having to work so hard doing other marketing activities.

Does that mean I might have to stop blogging? But what will both of you do if I don't keep writing?

SHOOT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES (a favorite saying of my mother, except she didn't say "shoot" - you are on your own to figure out what word she did use).

I read the darn email wrong. I'm supposed to do all that stuff AFTER I get a big emailing list. To find out what I AM supposed to do, I have to finish reading his email. I only got as far as page one and then I started blogging (it's kind of like having Tourette's - I just can't control myself.) It is a six page email! I didn't read page one very well and now I'm supposed to pay attention for 5 more pages!?!

Oh boy - I just glanced at what he has to say pages 4-6. It seems I have 10 other things to do, but now I'm out of time (the story of my life). Hey I just thought about something that could save me some time. If both of you could find me 5,000 readers each, I could skip this whole platform building business. Let me know how that goes. In the meantime, I have to go save another life.

I promise, I'll write more soon. I actually meant to talk about me being on Oprah, but I got sidetracked. I'll get back to you soon...

Free Stuff

I've encountered many benefits from blogging. The outlet for my creativity is priceless. Saving the planet one word at a time is a major benefit as well. An income stream trickle drip dribble drop is - well - rewarding. And it helps build patience. I've made 23 cents since I started blogging in May. Google will cut me a check after I earn $99.77 more dollars. At this rate I'll get a check before I'm 60!

But by far the best aspect of blogging is free stuff. Today a dear reader sent me a book in the mail. She saw it and thought of me while shopping at Sal's (a well know national boutique also known as the Salvation Army - which is where I would be sleeping were I depending on my blogging income stream trickle drip dribble drop to support me.) She paid 50 cents for a Curves book and mailed it to me which cost another $4.64. That's over 5 whole bucks she spent on me (20 times more than I've earned so far.)

A few weeks ago a bag from Sonic showed up at my house. Another dear reader came by and left it in the living room while I was in session. I had no clue what was in the bag even after I opened it. It appeared to be some sort of fried food. I examined it for a minute and thought about calling the bomb squad in case someone from Dell or Microsoft was trying to rid the world of me. Perhaps their income stream had become a drop due to my blogs. But I was pretty sure this friend wasn't a double agent or a hired hit woman - so I took a leap of faith and bit into the mystery morsel.

OMG - it was fried mac-cheese. I knew about fried Twinkies and fried cheesecake, but who knew that Sonic had taken such a good thing and made it better with batter. I know you are not supposed to look up the price of a gift, but she paid $2.69 for those babies (maybe I need to set up a fried mac-cheese stand in front of my house - could be more profitable than blogging).

But the piece de resistance BY FAR is the coffee mug I won. Remember little Elliot - the 8 year old chap in the UK who has a podcast? If you don't, check out my blog post about him (he really is a major force.) Anyway, he has a contest each week during the podcast and I won! So Elliot sent me a coffee mug all the way from the mother land with his picture on one side and MY NAME on the other side. I'm not sure how much the mug cost (I'm not that rude - yet), but the postage was 7.81 British Pounds Sterling - not plain old shrinking US dollars. Which means Elliot (or more likely Sentinel Chicken - you'd know who that was if you listened to Elliot's show) spent almost $15 in postage to send me this priceless mug. A conservative estimate of the total funds channeled my way from Sparkle Studios is about $25.

Adding it all up that's:

$0.23 from Google Ad Sense
$5.00 for the Curves book
$2.69 for the fried mac-cheese from Sonic
$25.00 for the SparkleCast Mug

I've earned almost $33.00 of stuff as a result of this blogging thing. Of course I'm two grand into Apple for the new computer I had to buy to keep posting, but that is another story.

So today I celebrate blogging and FREE STUFF. Who knows what'll show up next....

The Importance of Divorcing Earnest

Okay I want to divorce Earnest. That’s how I’m going to handle my jealousy. You know I’m preparing to write a big time book and I’ve been studying as much as possible. Preparation is getting in the way of my writing. I’m very prepared, but not very prolific right now or at least not as prolific as Earnest. In all my studies, no one bothered to explain how to deal with writer’s jealousy. Earnest is blogging more than me. Now I have to divorce him. I still love him. I just hate him. I’m wondering how it’s going to be to throw the baby out with the bath water (did someone really throw a baby away when they were pouring out dirty water – I never did get that one.)

Here’s the catch - the book I’m working on is one about being married to Earnest. As a matter of fact, Earnest is writing it with me. But now he’s blogging more than me and I’m pouting about it. I think divorce is an outward expression of an inner pout. I'll see how I feel in the morning, but I'm guessing I'll be Googling lawyers in the morning (hmmm now that's something to think about.) For now, I'm going to bed with Mac (cheese that is).

Voyeurism

Hi Fellow voyeurs. If you checked here during the last week, you know I went off the radar. Occasionally, I have to to loan my body to the woman who pays the rent. She's been working at her paying job, but last night I regained control of the keyboard. I got "us" on www.linkedin.com/pub/8/298/46 (a networking website). Now I'm trying to make lots of contacts. It's a compulsion. I'm learning that total world domination through the www takes time and patience. Gotta run. "The other one" needs to see some clients so she can pay for my Internet connection!

Reply All

I'm about to barf. Ah... you are thinking the mac cheese might be getting to me. No. That would be a welcome reason to turn my tummy inside out. The reason I have the urge to "toss tacos" tonight is reading other "earnest" writer's blogs. OMG some of them make my need to blow chunks imminent. Of course it's not YOUR blog I'm talking about. Yours is "witty and pretty and bright" (or was that Maria right before she met Tony at the doomed dance?)

At a recent writer's workshop, the instructor promised NOT to create an emailing list. She thought we should exchange emails by choice (I took home one business card.) Problem was, prior to the workshop, she sent a group email with visible "to" addresses. We all came home with the same idea - start a blog. So "reply all" has become the method for all the new bloggers to share with each other. Remember this was a group of earnest writers. Their blogs were pretty heavy and since I gave up smoking pot a long time ago (as is evidenced by the fact that I still call it "pot"), I just can't get "high" enough to meet these folks out in the ethers.

Okay I, too, started a blog, but I did NOT hit reply all. Goodness only knows why you are reading this. Maybe you have insomnia too and are guilty of way too much www dot surfing dot allnightlong. Anyway, tonight I didn't have any warm wonderful words of wisdom worthy of blogging (do I get extra points for using all those "w" words in the same sentence?) So I decided to go read all the other earnest writer's blogs for inspiration. I'm inspired all right - inspired to vomit. Everyone was full of love and light. All I'm full of is tacos (maybe not for much longer).

As you know, from reading prior posts (you do hang on my every word don't you?), I'm a bit concerned with how mac cheese is impacting the size of my booty. Tonight I've seen the light and I've started a new diet. I'll eat dinner then read their blogs. I'll be thinner by morning...

Name Brand or Generic

I've always been a generic kind of girl. I figure why spend money to buy a product name when the store brand's just as good. Except purses that is. Everyone knows how much I like the purses whose brand name rhymes with roach. I admit it. Even when I buy mac cheese in a box I get the store brand. There I said it out loud. A couple of my friends are cringing right now. They wouldn't be caught dead with store brand mac cheese (if not careful it might kill us though!) If the box isn't blue and the name doesn't rhyme with "raft" it isn't going in their basket.

So why in the world is this author talking about brands? Because I just found out I am one. OMG - simple little Earnestine May is her very own brand. No more cheap imitations of me. No hiding behind someone else's wisdom. I'm "going for it" by writing my own book.

When the book is on the shelf at Barnes and Noble, it needs to say "look at me, that's right take me off the shelf, thumb through my pages, hold me, feel me, look at my picture, TAKE ME HOME!!!!" Oh dear, and I said I wasn't going to write adult content in this blog. It sounds like some crazy profile in getlaidnow dot com.

But evidently, I'd better figure out how get comfortable selling myself. And while I'm at it, I'd better stop eating so much mac cheese. If my book went to press today, we'd have to lay it out in a landscape format so there would be enough room for my butt on the back cover. Okay - now I'm scaring myself. Better stop before I get depressed and fire up a generic bowl of comfort! You know - the stuff that rhymes with "snack please."

TTFN - More soon...

Did Hemingway Eat Mac Cheese?

In preparation for a weekend of writing and website building:

4/24/08, Thursday 7:15pm

Go to club. Do 45 minutes of cardio.

8:30pm
Go to Kroger. Purchase $65 work of saturated trans fat laden carbs. Have not seen this particular collection of items in my basket since 1976. Bypass all outer aisles of grocery store, except to purchase heavy whipping cream (don’t ask.)

9:30pm
Consume pizza, pizza rolls, and Dove Milk Chocolate in a quantity that will take at least 8 hours of cardio to burn. 11:30pmTake laptop into spare bedroom. Begin competitive analysis section of proposal.

04/25/08, Friday 3:30am
After emailing Dixie for feedback (another earnest writer) shut down computer and go to master bedroom. Insert foam earplugs to defend against snoring of both husband and shorty b. dog.

4:30am
Begin to feel sleepy.

7:00am
Awaken to a French kiss (not from husband, but from freddie b. dog).

10am
Reawaken after going back to sleep. Being building website.

12pm
Make cheap family sized box of mac cheese.

12:30pm
Talk to various Web People on phone – sort through mass quantities of bull sh*t from said Web People, end up hosting with Yahoo. Return to stove. Eat mac cheese straight out of pan on stove with a spoon. Go back to laptop sort through more bull sh*t, begin making, progress on website, return to stove, get spoon, eat more mac cheese. Repeat these steps with little variation until 6:02pm.

6:02pm
Write in Earnestine’s diary. Realize that Earnestine stinks… Hopefully Earnestine will make it to the shower before husband gets home or will be left with only dogs to French kiss tonight. (Jeeze – I haven’t had a toothbrush in mouth yet today. Is this what it means to be a writer?)