Where is the complaint department?

When Cheryl Richardson told us to "write, write, write at the Hay House Writers Workshop I attended at Sea my boss came home and took her way too literally. I've had my fingers attached to the keyboard of my beloved Mac so much lately that I think my fingerprints have come off. You might ask "gosh Earnestine, if you are writing so much how come you haven't posted anything lately?"

It isn't that I don't love you - I do. It's just that my boss has been really cracking down on me. She's not letting me write fun stuff. Instead I "write, write, write" content for her soon to be published new MayDecember Secrets Website. I think it's just "wrong, wrong, wrong." My public needs me, but you've been dissed for her sacred project.

I haven't been able to shop for any Coach purses either. We had to go the Apple store on Sunday. It happened to be very near a Coach store and guess what - the boss lady wouldn't let me go in. It was also very near Chicos and I wore Chicos long before anybody knew what Michael Phelps mother looked like (now Debbie's got her own line of Chicos clothing!)

So the boss lady bought some silly back up drive. It does have a cute little Apple mirrored logo on it, but I could have had a lovely new bag for the price of that drive. She's become obsessed (helloooooo - Prozac.) I noticed that Cheryl Richardson was also wearing Chicos the first day of the workshop. I think she just told us to "write, write, write" so there would be more Chicos and Coach bags left for her. I think better advice would have been "write a little, shop a lot, write some more, go shop a lot more, eat some mac cheese, get a pedicure, write a tiny bit more, and then take a nap."

And while I am lodging complaints, I have another big one. Where the heck has all the mac cheese gone? She used it to seduce me into writing in the beginning. Now she's so busy typing (with my fingers) that she won't stop and turn on the stove. I guess she could buy the microwave stuff, but I think I heard her grumbling about somebooty that had a growing problem. Maybe she was referring to one of her clients.

I know the purpose of my blog was to share with you the adventures of an earnest writer aspiring to write a book and get published, but I didn't know it was actually hard work. So let me be clear - this part stinks. It's not much fun, you don't get out much, and most of the people you talk to live in some place called the blogosphere.

Just you wait, one of these days somebody is going to call and want to interview her in person. Then she'll be begging me to go shopping with her. She'll be wanting a pretty, new, hip, modern, adorable, luxurious Coach bag. Then she'll go into Chicos for a sophisticated, sexy, upscale, yet casual, colorful, slinky outfit and you know what...

...I'm a ho - I'll go.

How to Build a Platform Out of Mac Cheese

The first email I read this morning with eager anticipation said "HOW TO GET 5,550 NEW SUBSCRIBERS IN 18 MONTHS" in the subject line. For those of you who don't know, I'm in the process of building a large platform (no, not to hold me up). Basically a "platform" is your audience which equates to the number of subscribers you have to your blog, newsletter, etc. Your My Space and facebook friends are also part of your platform.

Saving the planet one person at a time is a rewarding, but tedious process. I'm learning that publishers want me to save the planet about 10,000+ people at a time. The New York Times Best Seller list is home to writers who are saving around 10,000 or more people in a week. Let me just say, I need a few more subscribers if I am going to get close to 10,000. Since I want to eat more mac cheese on Le Tour Eiffel, then I'm gonna have to get moving. I need all the instruction I can get. Hence the reason for opening said email this morning.

So here's what the message told me:

1. Send out free coaching sessions and dozens of people will want to have sessions with you.

Problem is I'm not a coach and I'm pretty sure that a free session is still approaching things one person at a time. I could offer a free coaching session at curves. I've gotten pretty good on their equipment (and I did read that book I got last week.) From the looks of all of us who go there - somebody needs to be coaching us - so why can't it be me? Maybe I should offer free mac cheese. Better yet - how about group mac cheese sessions. I'll fire up several different boxes with a variety of flavors (white cheese, extra cheesy, extra sharp, etc.) and noodle shapes. We can all get together and share about our experience with each type of mac cheese. Oh boy - now I'm hungry.

2. Make offers and have people purchase things from you on-line that generate great revenue with each email.

Problem here is I don't have a product except myself and I think it's illegal in this part of Irving to sell THAT! Perhaps I should start a mac cheese store and drop ship for Kraft. I did send a friend a case of Count Chocula once for her birthday (Amazon wouldn't ship just a box).

3. Stop having to work so hard doing other marketing activities.

Does that mean I might have to stop blogging? But what will both of you do if I don't keep writing?

SHOOT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES (a favorite saying of my mother, except she didn't say "shoot" - you are on your own to figure out what word she did use).

I read the darn email wrong. I'm supposed to do all that stuff AFTER I get a big emailing list. To find out what I AM supposed to do, I have to finish reading his email. I only got as far as page one and then I started blogging (it's kind of like having Tourette's - I just can't control myself.) It is a six page email! I didn't read page one very well and now I'm supposed to pay attention for 5 more pages!?!

Oh boy - I just glanced at what he has to say pages 4-6. It seems I have 10 other things to do, but now I'm out of time (the story of my life). Hey I just thought about something that could save me some time. If both of you could find me 5,000 readers each, I could skip this whole platform building business. Let me know how that goes. In the meantime, I have to go save another life.

I promise, I'll write more soon. I actually meant to talk about me being on Oprah, but I got sidetracked. I'll get back to you soon...

Mutha's Day

Another weekend of writing for dear ol' Earnestine means a trip to Kroger for supplies. After the last full weekend at the computer (see post of April 25), I decided to fore go the mac cheese and do a juice fast (really). This time I only traveled the outer aisles during the visit to the store. That's where all the "real" food lives (it's very sad on those outer aisles). It's also where the seasonal stuff can be found. Since nothing or no one has ever climbed out of my womb and my own mother died several years ago, I don't pay much attention to Mother's Day, but Kroger is doing an excellent job of marketing. I became acutely aware that Sunday is Mother's Day and Saturday is Hispanic Mother's Day (no I did not make that up) I'm not sure why Hispanic moms get a different day. If you do, please let me know.

But, I am a mother of sorts (no not a mutha!) I have bonus kids thanks to Earnest and I have dogbabies. The dogs haven't figured out how to bring me anything other than something ejected from one of their ends. But this year I realized that I have given birth - to words on paper or more accurately LCD. While those words didn't climb out of my womb, they did fall from my heart and mind. I decided to buy my own flowers. Due to the amount of money I've earned from writing, I opted for the $12.99 bouquet of pink roses rather than the $20 harmony bouquet. The roses are making me smile.

As for the juice fast, yuck. There's only one thing I miss more than my mac cheese this weekend and that's my mom.

Voyeurism

Hi Fellow voyeurs. If you checked here during the last week, you know I went off the radar. Occasionally, I have to to loan my body to the woman who pays the rent. She's been working at her paying job, but last night I regained control of the keyboard. I got "us" on www.linkedin.com/pub/8/298/46 (a networking website). Now I'm trying to make lots of contacts. It's a compulsion. I'm learning that total world domination through the www takes time and patience. Gotta run. "The other one" needs to see some clients so she can pay for my Internet connection!

Name Brand or Generic

I've always been a generic kind of girl. I figure why spend money to buy a product name when the store brand's just as good. Except purses that is. Everyone knows how much I like the purses whose brand name rhymes with roach. I admit it. Even when I buy mac cheese in a box I get the store brand. There I said it out loud. A couple of my friends are cringing right now. They wouldn't be caught dead with store brand mac cheese (if not careful it might kill us though!) If the box isn't blue and the name doesn't rhyme with "raft" it isn't going in their basket.

So why in the world is this author talking about brands? Because I just found out I am one. OMG - simple little Earnestine May is her very own brand. No more cheap imitations of me. No hiding behind someone else's wisdom. I'm "going for it" by writing my own book.

When the book is on the shelf at Barnes and Noble, it needs to say "look at me, that's right take me off the shelf, thumb through my pages, hold me, feel me, look at my picture, TAKE ME HOME!!!!" Oh dear, and I said I wasn't going to write adult content in this blog. It sounds like some crazy profile in getlaidnow dot com.

But evidently, I'd better figure out how get comfortable selling myself. And while I'm at it, I'd better stop eating so much mac cheese. If my book went to press today, we'd have to lay it out in a landscape format so there would be enough room for my butt on the back cover. Okay - now I'm scaring myself. Better stop before I get depressed and fire up a generic bowl of comfort! You know - the stuff that rhymes with "snack please."

TTFN - More soon...

Did Hemingway Eat Mac Cheese?

In preparation for a weekend of writing and website building:

4/24/08, Thursday 7:15pm

Go to club. Do 45 minutes of cardio.

8:30pm
Go to Kroger. Purchase $65 work of saturated trans fat laden carbs. Have not seen this particular collection of items in my basket since 1976. Bypass all outer aisles of grocery store, except to purchase heavy whipping cream (don’t ask.)

9:30pm
Consume pizza, pizza rolls, and Dove Milk Chocolate in a quantity that will take at least 8 hours of cardio to burn. 11:30pmTake laptop into spare bedroom. Begin competitive analysis section of proposal.

04/25/08, Friday 3:30am
After emailing Dixie for feedback (another earnest writer) shut down computer and go to master bedroom. Insert foam earplugs to defend against snoring of both husband and shorty b. dog.

4:30am
Begin to feel sleepy.

7:00am
Awaken to a French kiss (not from husband, but from freddie b. dog).

10am
Reawaken after going back to sleep. Being building website.

12pm
Make cheap family sized box of mac cheese.

12:30pm
Talk to various Web People on phone – sort through mass quantities of bull sh*t from said Web People, end up hosting with Yahoo. Return to stove. Eat mac cheese straight out of pan on stove with a spoon. Go back to laptop sort through more bull sh*t, begin making, progress on website, return to stove, get spoon, eat more mac cheese. Repeat these steps with little variation until 6:02pm.

6:02pm
Write in Earnestine’s diary. Realize that Earnestine stinks… Hopefully Earnestine will make it to the shower before husband gets home or will be left with only dogs to French kiss tonight. (Jeeze – I haven’t had a toothbrush in mouth yet today. Is this what it means to be a writer?)