Where is the complaint department?

When Cheryl Richardson told us to "write, write, write at the Hay House Writers Workshop I attended at Sea my boss came home and took her way too literally. I've had my fingers attached to the keyboard of my beloved Mac so much lately that I think my fingerprints have come off. You might ask "gosh Earnestine, if you are writing so much how come you haven't posted anything lately?"

It isn't that I don't love you - I do. It's just that my boss has been really cracking down on me. She's not letting me write fun stuff. Instead I "write, write, write" content for her soon to be published new MayDecember Secrets Website. I think it's just "wrong, wrong, wrong." My public needs me, but you've been dissed for her sacred project.

I haven't been able to shop for any Coach purses either. We had to go the Apple store on Sunday. It happened to be very near a Coach store and guess what - the boss lady wouldn't let me go in. It was also very near Chicos and I wore Chicos long before anybody knew what Michael Phelps mother looked like (now Debbie's got her own line of Chicos clothing!)

So the boss lady bought some silly back up drive. It does have a cute little Apple mirrored logo on it, but I could have had a lovely new bag for the price of that drive. She's become obsessed (helloooooo - Prozac.) I noticed that Cheryl Richardson was also wearing Chicos the first day of the workshop. I think she just told us to "write, write, write" so there would be more Chicos and Coach bags left for her. I think better advice would have been "write a little, shop a lot, write some more, go shop a lot more, eat some mac cheese, get a pedicure, write a tiny bit more, and then take a nap."

And while I am lodging complaints, I have another big one. Where the heck has all the mac cheese gone? She used it to seduce me into writing in the beginning. Now she's so busy typing (with my fingers) that she won't stop and turn on the stove. I guess she could buy the microwave stuff, but I think I heard her grumbling about somebooty that had a growing problem. Maybe she was referring to one of her clients.

I know the purpose of my blog was to share with you the adventures of an earnest writer aspiring to write a book and get published, but I didn't know it was actually hard work. So let me be clear - this part stinks. It's not much fun, you don't get out much, and most of the people you talk to live in some place called the blogosphere.

Just you wait, one of these days somebody is going to call and want to interview her in person. Then she'll be begging me to go shopping with her. She'll be wanting a pretty, new, hip, modern, adorable, luxurious Coach bag. Then she'll go into Chicos for a sophisticated, sexy, upscale, yet casual, colorful, slinky outfit and you know what...

...I'm a ho - I'll go.

Free Stuff and the Bag Lady (Part 2)

...Continued from yesterday.

All of sudden I hear a very sweet voice say “‘ma’am” - thankfully it’s not the carry on cops - it’s another bag lady. She happens to have a spare purple bag (it’s one of those nice shopping bags made out of paper pretending to be cotton.) She had been at a teaching conference and she has two of them inside each other to carry her laptop and all the books she bought at the symposium.

Now she’s come to my rescue and she offered me one of the bags to keep forever! Purple is my favorite color. Now I’ve got four bags to carry on, but the lovely part is that I can put two bags inside the third bag and technically only be carrying one bag. So I stuff the Coach and the Life is Good bag inside the purple paper pretending to be cotton bag and plop my fake-fake laptop bag over my shoulder and I’m good to go. Never mind that my four bags that are technically only two bags take up more room than my three bags originally did. I am finally following the rules and I’ll be able to board the plan without getting arrested! I’ll also have a new purple bag to cherish and remember that some nice sister bag lady sensed my frustration and took care of me without me needing to ask for help. I know in this day and age we’re supposed to take care of ourselves and ask for what we need, etc. But sometimes it’s just plain nice for someone to volunteer a random act of kindness.

So thank you teacher bag lady for the big purple dead tree bag and thank you Starbuck’s Coach bag lady for the tip on how to acquire a fake Coach or two on the streets of the big Apple! Earnest I head back to big D on Sunday and guess what’s on the way home - I poop you not - the only Coach Outlet Store in the State of Texas.

Free Stuff and the Bag Lady (Part 1)

I’m happy to say I’m still enjoying my “free stuff” karma. Today I was on my way out of town for some much needed R & R and a doctor’s appointment with Earnest’s torturer for my “fat little ankles” (don’t ask). Ron was driving down to meet me later in the day.

I was in line at the airport dutifully waiting to feed my Starbuck’s addiction, when a very nice woman commented on my amazingly cool laptop bag. It’s lime green fake silk with an oriental pattern. The inside is hot pink fake silk. The bag is really stunning and gets a lot of compliments. I think it’s a knock off some snazzy brand you can get at Neimans. I, however, landed it for 39.99 at TJ Maxx. I was in there looking for a good deal on a Coach Tote bag. It is rumored that occasionally you will find one in a clearance bin at TJ’s.

Anyway - no Coach that day - only the stunning fake silk - knock off of something laptop bag. I snagged it. My fellow bag lady, in the Starbuck’s line, noticed not only my “fake-fake”, but she noticed the real Coach purse I was carrying. She tells me that she was in NYC four years ago and landed a knock-off Coach on the street for about 40 bucks. Evidently you have to know to whisper “Coach” to the right guy on the street with a big cardboard box and then step into a dark corner to make the transaction. I think it’s a marketing ploy designed to make you think you are getting “real” fenced goods instead of real fake fenced goods. No matter, I felt like today was my lucky day, I am headed to NYC in October to celebrate my birthday with Ron and my zany new friend Dixie. I’ll be asking for Coach gift cards to use with the street vendors in NYC.

So a vente white chocolate mocha latte and a slab of marble pound cake later, I headed toward the gate to hop on my flight to torture city. I had no luggage, but dear lord in Heaven I managed to be carrying an outlawed number of very small carry on bags. (Hi - my name is Earnestine May and I’m a bagaholic.)

Remember, I’ve got my very cool - very real yellow Coach purse, my even cooler fake-fake laptop bag, and my very small “Life is Good Tote”. Add ‘em up and I’ve got a total of THREE bags and I’m getting ready to board an American Airlines plane. American isn’t very popular right now. They’ve started charging folks $15 a pop to check a bag. So people are taking out their frustration by stuffing their carry on bags. American is fighting back by being really strict about the FAA rule of no more than TWO carry on items. I’ve got three and I’m starting to sweat. (continued tomorrow....)