Oprah is NOT my BOFitUK

In a blog last week, I told you I forgot to talk about being on Oprah because I got sidetracked. What I meant by that was NOT that I was actually going to be on Oprah - but I had just done something even more fun being on Oprah as a part of my platform building process.

I’ve been interviewed by my BOFitUK (best only friend in the UK!)

My BOFitUK is Elliot. I’ve talked about him quite a bit in this blog. We finally got our calendars coordinated and he was able to interview me last weekend. The interview will be broadcast on Saturday the 12th of July. Please sign up here to be notified when the show is ready to go.

Here are the top 10 reasons it’s more fun to be interviewed by Elliot and not Oprah...

10. You can’t do the Oprah show from bed in a swimsuit and coverup (oh yes I did.)

9. Elliot has a much better accent and may even be smarter than Oprah.

8. I didn’t have to be analyzed by Dr. Phil before being on Elliot’s show.

7. Elliot probably doesn’t even know who Dr. Phil is.

6. Oprah doesn’t have a personal assistant named Sentinel Chicken who looks up your address on google maps and scares the bejezus out of you by telling you what’s in your neighbor’s backyard. (I wonder if he could see me putting on my swimsuit coverup when I got out of my own pool? Oh holy crap - now I’ve just scared the bejezus out of myself!)

5. I won’t have my career ruined because I was caught jumping up and down on Elliot’s couch. I’m not even sure if Elliot has a couch.

4. Oprah doesn’t have a cool little brother named Gravity Man who lived up to his name and fell out of his chair during my interview (he is gravitationally challenged.)

3. You don’t get to hear Oprah’s dad sending her to the loo right before she comes into the studio.

2. My website won’t crash from all the hits it would have gotten had I been on “her” show.

-and-

The number 1 reason it's more fun to be interviewed by Elliot than Oprah is...

...Oprah didn’t want to interview me and Elliot did - it’s nice to be wanted.

The show airs Saturday July 12. You can have the broadcast delivered directly to your email address. Don’t miss history in the making. This is surely going to be one of those “do you remember where you were when...” events.

How to Build a Platform Out of Mac Cheese

The first email I read this morning with eager anticipation said "HOW TO GET 5,550 NEW SUBSCRIBERS IN 18 MONTHS" in the subject line. For those of you who don't know, I'm in the process of building a large platform (no, not to hold me up). Basically a "platform" is your audience which equates to the number of subscribers you have to your blog, newsletter, etc. Your My Space and facebook friends are also part of your platform.

Saving the planet one person at a time is a rewarding, but tedious process. I'm learning that publishers want me to save the planet about 10,000+ people at a time. The New York Times Best Seller list is home to writers who are saving around 10,000 or more people in a week. Let me just say, I need a few more subscribers if I am going to get close to 10,000. Since I want to eat more mac cheese on Le Tour Eiffel, then I'm gonna have to get moving. I need all the instruction I can get. Hence the reason for opening said email this morning.

So here's what the message told me:

1. Send out free coaching sessions and dozens of people will want to have sessions with you.

Problem is I'm not a coach and I'm pretty sure that a free session is still approaching things one person at a time. I could offer a free coaching session at curves. I've gotten pretty good on their equipment (and I did read that book I got last week.) From the looks of all of us who go there - somebody needs to be coaching us - so why can't it be me? Maybe I should offer free mac cheese. Better yet - how about group mac cheese sessions. I'll fire up several different boxes with a variety of flavors (white cheese, extra cheesy, extra sharp, etc.) and noodle shapes. We can all get together and share about our experience with each type of mac cheese. Oh boy - now I'm hungry.

2. Make offers and have people purchase things from you on-line that generate great revenue with each email.

Problem here is I don't have a product except myself and I think it's illegal in this part of Irving to sell THAT! Perhaps I should start a mac cheese store and drop ship for Kraft. I did send a friend a case of Count Chocula once for her birthday (Amazon wouldn't ship just a box).

3. Stop having to work so hard doing other marketing activities.

Does that mean I might have to stop blogging? But what will both of you do if I don't keep writing?

SHOOT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES (a favorite saying of my mother, except she didn't say "shoot" - you are on your own to figure out what word she did use).

I read the darn email wrong. I'm supposed to do all that stuff AFTER I get a big emailing list. To find out what I AM supposed to do, I have to finish reading his email. I only got as far as page one and then I started blogging (it's kind of like having Tourette's - I just can't control myself.) It is a six page email! I didn't read page one very well and now I'm supposed to pay attention for 5 more pages!?!

Oh boy - I just glanced at what he has to say pages 4-6. It seems I have 10 other things to do, but now I'm out of time (the story of my life). Hey I just thought about something that could save me some time. If both of you could find me 5,000 readers each, I could skip this whole platform building business. Let me know how that goes. In the meantime, I have to go save another life.

I promise, I'll write more soon. I actually meant to talk about me being on Oprah, but I got sidetracked. I'll get back to you soon...

Oh honey you don't look like you weigh that much.

As you may remember, a few weeks ago, I discovered that I am my own brand. Now I’m learning that me, my brand, and I need to be building a “platform”. The platform (people who get your newsletters, go to your workshops, etc.) needs to be a big one to make me more attractive to agents and publishers. For me a platform needs to be a big one to support my family sized (thanks to mac cheese) booty.

Since I want it all – a BIG platform AND a smaller booty. I decided to take me and my booty over to Curves (before I go to Curves each day I’ll need to carb load on mac cheese.) I’m here to tell you that I met my new best friend today at Curves. It's the woman who enrolled me. We’ll just call her Mrs. Curves. She showed me the circuit and it looked doable. I decided to sign right on up. Now comes the fun part. Mrs. Curves now knows things about me that dear Earnest (and you) will NEVER know and I’m not a big secret keeper.

In a kind, soft, but regretful voice, Mrs. Curves asked “how much do you weigh?” I’d just gotten the bad news earlier on my own scale. So I took a deep breath, held my head high, and pretended to say the number with self-respect and dignity. Mrs. Curves' response showed surprise and she said in her kind, soft, regretful voice “oh honey you don’t look like you weigh that much.” She might have even meant it. If not, she gave on Oscar worthy performance to get the $34 monthly fee.

Next question – “how old are you?” This time I don’t have to pretend as much to be okay. I tell her I’m 50. Mrs. Curves’ response again shows surprise and her tone is still kind and soft “oh honey you don’t look like you are 50. You look …uh …er ...you look… good.” At this point I don’t know whether to hug Mrs. Curves and make her my honorary auntie or start crying. Does she mean women who are 50 and weigh as much as I do don’t normally look at good as I do – so I must be a wonderful specimen? Or does she mean women who are 50 and weigh as much as I do are repulsive beasts who scare small children? Maybe she thinks I look good because children are only mildly nauseated and anxious in my presence.

I’ve long believed that everything in life is a choice and that every choice has a consequence. Consequently, I’ve chosen to go with the “I must be a wonderful specimen” option. Since I look so darn good, I better keep doing what I’m doing and eat an extra serving of mac cheese tonight. After all it’s gotten me this far…