Free Stuff and the Bag Lady (Part 2)

...Continued from yesterday.

All of sudden I hear a very sweet voice say “‘ma’am” - thankfully it’s not the carry on cops - it’s another bag lady. She happens to have a spare purple bag (it’s one of those nice shopping bags made out of paper pretending to be cotton.) She had been at a teaching conference and she has two of them inside each other to carry her laptop and all the books she bought at the symposium.

Now she’s come to my rescue and she offered me one of the bags to keep forever! Purple is my favorite color. Now I’ve got four bags to carry on, but the lovely part is that I can put two bags inside the third bag and technically only be carrying one bag. So I stuff the Coach and the Life is Good bag inside the purple paper pretending to be cotton bag and plop my fake-fake laptop bag over my shoulder and I’m good to go. Never mind that my four bags that are technically only two bags take up more room than my three bags originally did. I am finally following the rules and I’ll be able to board the plan without getting arrested! I’ll also have a new purple bag to cherish and remember that some nice sister bag lady sensed my frustration and took care of me without me needing to ask for help. I know in this day and age we’re supposed to take care of ourselves and ask for what we need, etc. But sometimes it’s just plain nice for someone to volunteer a random act of kindness.

So thank you teacher bag lady for the big purple dead tree bag and thank you Starbuck’s Coach bag lady for the tip on how to acquire a fake Coach or two on the streets of the big Apple! Earnest I head back to big D on Sunday and guess what’s on the way home - I poop you not - the only Coach Outlet Store in the State of Texas.

Free Stuff and the Bag Lady (Part 1)

I’m happy to say I’m still enjoying my “free stuff” karma. Today I was on my way out of town for some much needed R & R and a doctor’s appointment with Earnest’s torturer for my “fat little ankles” (don’t ask). Ron was driving down to meet me later in the day.

I was in line at the airport dutifully waiting to feed my Starbuck’s addiction, when a very nice woman commented on my amazingly cool laptop bag. It’s lime green fake silk with an oriental pattern. The inside is hot pink fake silk. The bag is really stunning and gets a lot of compliments. I think it’s a knock off some snazzy brand you can get at Neimans. I, however, landed it for 39.99 at TJ Maxx. I was in there looking for a good deal on a Coach Tote bag. It is rumored that occasionally you will find one in a clearance bin at TJ’s.

Anyway - no Coach that day - only the stunning fake silk - knock off of something laptop bag. I snagged it. My fellow bag lady, in the Starbuck’s line, noticed not only my “fake-fake”, but she noticed the real Coach purse I was carrying. She tells me that she was in NYC four years ago and landed a knock-off Coach on the street for about 40 bucks. Evidently you have to know to whisper “Coach” to the right guy on the street with a big cardboard box and then step into a dark corner to make the transaction. I think it’s a marketing ploy designed to make you think you are getting “real” fenced goods instead of real fake fenced goods. No matter, I felt like today was my lucky day, I am headed to NYC in October to celebrate my birthday with Ron and my zany new friend Dixie. I’ll be asking for Coach gift cards to use with the street vendors in NYC.

So a vente white chocolate mocha latte and a slab of marble pound cake later, I headed toward the gate to hop on my flight to torture city. I had no luggage, but dear lord in Heaven I managed to be carrying an outlawed number of very small carry on bags. (Hi - my name is Earnestine May and I’m a bagaholic.)

Remember, I’ve got my very cool - very real yellow Coach purse, my even cooler fake-fake laptop bag, and my very small “Life is Good Tote”. Add ‘em up and I’ve got a total of THREE bags and I’m getting ready to board an American Airlines plane. American isn’t very popular right now. They’ve started charging folks $15 a pop to check a bag. So people are taking out their frustration by stuffing their carry on bags. American is fighting back by being really strict about the FAA rule of no more than TWO carry on items. I’ve got three and I’m starting to sweat. (continued tomorrow....)

How to Build a Platform Out of Mac Cheese

The first email I read this morning with eager anticipation said "HOW TO GET 5,550 NEW SUBSCRIBERS IN 18 MONTHS" in the subject line. For those of you who don't know, I'm in the process of building a large platform (no, not to hold me up). Basically a "platform" is your audience which equates to the number of subscribers you have to your blog, newsletter, etc. Your My Space and facebook friends are also part of your platform.

Saving the planet one person at a time is a rewarding, but tedious process. I'm learning that publishers want me to save the planet about 10,000+ people at a time. The New York Times Best Seller list is home to writers who are saving around 10,000 or more people in a week. Let me just say, I need a few more subscribers if I am going to get close to 10,000. Since I want to eat more mac cheese on Le Tour Eiffel, then I'm gonna have to get moving. I need all the instruction I can get. Hence the reason for opening said email this morning.

So here's what the message told me:

1. Send out free coaching sessions and dozens of people will want to have sessions with you.

Problem is I'm not a coach and I'm pretty sure that a free session is still approaching things one person at a time. I could offer a free coaching session at curves. I've gotten pretty good on their equipment (and I did read that book I got last week.) From the looks of all of us who go there - somebody needs to be coaching us - so why can't it be me? Maybe I should offer free mac cheese. Better yet - how about group mac cheese sessions. I'll fire up several different boxes with a variety of flavors (white cheese, extra cheesy, extra sharp, etc.) and noodle shapes. We can all get together and share about our experience with each type of mac cheese. Oh boy - now I'm hungry.

2. Make offers and have people purchase things from you on-line that generate great revenue with each email.

Problem here is I don't have a product except myself and I think it's illegal in this part of Irving to sell THAT! Perhaps I should start a mac cheese store and drop ship for Kraft. I did send a friend a case of Count Chocula once for her birthday (Amazon wouldn't ship just a box).

3. Stop having to work so hard doing other marketing activities.

Does that mean I might have to stop blogging? But what will both of you do if I don't keep writing?

SHOOT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES (a favorite saying of my mother, except she didn't say "shoot" - you are on your own to figure out what word she did use).

I read the darn email wrong. I'm supposed to do all that stuff AFTER I get a big emailing list. To find out what I AM supposed to do, I have to finish reading his email. I only got as far as page one and then I started blogging (it's kind of like having Tourette's - I just can't control myself.) It is a six page email! I didn't read page one very well and now I'm supposed to pay attention for 5 more pages!?!

Oh boy - I just glanced at what he has to say pages 4-6. It seems I have 10 other things to do, but now I'm out of time (the story of my life). Hey I just thought about something that could save me some time. If both of you could find me 5,000 readers each, I could skip this whole platform building business. Let me know how that goes. In the meantime, I have to go save another life.

I promise, I'll write more soon. I actually meant to talk about me being on Oprah, but I got sidetracked. I'll get back to you soon...

Free Stuff

I've encountered many benefits from blogging. The outlet for my creativity is priceless. Saving the planet one word at a time is a major benefit as well. An income stream trickle drip dribble drop is - well - rewarding. And it helps build patience. I've made 23 cents since I started blogging in May. Google will cut me a check after I earn $99.77 more dollars. At this rate I'll get a check before I'm 60!

But by far the best aspect of blogging is free stuff. Today a dear reader sent me a book in the mail. She saw it and thought of me while shopping at Sal's (a well know national boutique also known as the Salvation Army - which is where I would be sleeping were I depending on my blogging income stream trickle drip dribble drop to support me.) She paid 50 cents for a Curves book and mailed it to me which cost another $4.64. That's over 5 whole bucks she spent on me (20 times more than I've earned so far.)

A few weeks ago a bag from Sonic showed up at my house. Another dear reader came by and left it in the living room while I was in session. I had no clue what was in the bag even after I opened it. It appeared to be some sort of fried food. I examined it for a minute and thought about calling the bomb squad in case someone from Dell or Microsoft was trying to rid the world of me. Perhaps their income stream had become a drop due to my blogs. But I was pretty sure this friend wasn't a double agent or a hired hit woman - so I took a leap of faith and bit into the mystery morsel.

OMG - it was fried mac-cheese. I knew about fried Twinkies and fried cheesecake, but who knew that Sonic had taken such a good thing and made it better with batter. I know you are not supposed to look up the price of a gift, but she paid $2.69 for those babies (maybe I need to set up a fried mac-cheese stand in front of my house - could be more profitable than blogging).

But the piece de resistance BY FAR is the coffee mug I won. Remember little Elliot - the 8 year old chap in the UK who has a podcast? If you don't, check out my blog post about him (he really is a major force.) Anyway, he has a contest each week during the podcast and I won! So Elliot sent me a coffee mug all the way from the mother land with his picture on one side and MY NAME on the other side. I'm not sure how much the mug cost (I'm not that rude - yet), but the postage was 7.81 British Pounds Sterling - not plain old shrinking US dollars. Which means Elliot (or more likely Sentinel Chicken - you'd know who that was if you listened to Elliot's show) spent almost $15 in postage to send me this priceless mug. A conservative estimate of the total funds channeled my way from Sparkle Studios is about $25.

Adding it all up that's:

$0.23 from Google Ad Sense
$5.00 for the Curves book
$2.69 for the fried mac-cheese from Sonic
$25.00 for the SparkleCast Mug

I've earned almost $33.00 of stuff as a result of this blogging thing. Of course I'm two grand into Apple for the new computer I had to buy to keep posting, but that is another story.

So today I celebrate blogging and FREE STUFF. Who knows what'll show up next....

No More Cat Pee For Me

I know it might be hard to imagine, but I’ve had to avail myself of therapy a time or two to become such a model of mental health. I also have Mr. Punkin to thank. Mr. Punkin weighed about 16 pounds and was a feline. I’m not sure why he got so fat. I’m thinking maybe he ate too much. He was quite a heap o’kitty. He also had an issue with urinating. He did it everywhere. He would look you in the eye, lift his tail, and spray the wall (pick a wall, any wall). Sometimes he used the box, mostly he didn’t. And yes he was neutered. And yes he was neutered as a wee little itty bitty kitty. And yes we practiced good box hygiene. And yes we tried changing brands of kitty litter. And yes we took him to the vet and made sure he wasn’t diabetic, didn’t have a thyroid problem, a bladder infection or any of a variety of “itis” conditions. He was just a pisser (or as they say in New England a “pissa”.)

I was going to college at night, working a full-time time job in a restaurant, and was recently married to Ron. When I wasn’t studying or working, I was usually crawling around the floor cleaning up cat urine. I can’t stand the smell of kitty wee. I became sensitized to the odor during Mr. Punkin’s reign. I was losing my mind and decided to see a therapist. Early in treatment with her, she had me make of list of things that were stressing me. I wrote down three things and I don’t remember number 2 or 3, but I clearly remember number 1 - CAT PEE.

When I read the list in my therapist’s office, I had my very first “aha” moment ever (long before Oprah made “aha” moments a household word.) I might not be able to readily solve stressor 2 or 3, but I could do something about cat pee. I’ve had lots of pets and I’m a commitment maker when I get an animal. I don’t take divorce lightly. But as I read that list, Mr. Punkin’s fate was sealed. He was being voted off the island.

We took him to the humane society and lied. Well we really didn’t lie - I was allergic to him and I was taking allergy shots, but we weren’t leaving him for that reason. He was a pissa. I didn’t want to tell the nice folks at the Humane Society about his problem. I wanted him to have a chance at adoption. I’m hoping I’ll be forgiven for fibbing and I’m hoping Mr. Punkin found a nice home.

Last week I told you about my jazzy new MacBook. Jaz and I are getting along really well. He’s doesn’t have to be rebooted (like never). I haven’t had to talk to any people in India, Canada, or Jamaica. He multitasks really well. He interacts nicely with other programs. He’s really cute and most importantly he doesn’t look me in the eye and pee.

Na Na Hey Hey - Goodbye

“There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall, and the bells in the steeple too, and up in the nursery an absurd little bird is popping out to say cuckoo - cuckoo, regretfully it tells us, but firmly it compels us to say goodbye to you...”

These words are ringing in my ears. They greet me when I wake up. They fly in at random times - even during pit stops. They are playing in the background of my mind right now as I type. They remind me of my mother. The Sound of Music was our favorite movie. We saw it five times which might not sound like much, but we didn’t have VCRs or DVDs back then. We saw all 2 hours and 54 minutes of it five 5 times in the theater.

I might wonder if I am “cuckoo - cuckoo”, but I know better. Of course I've always been cuckoo (and not even for coco puffs.) But thankfully I am not insane (anymore.) The cuckoo ringing in my ears isn’t even my mother haunting me. It’s the sound of me saying “so long - farewell”.

Mr. Einstein would be proud of me. It took me a while, but I finally gave up my insanity. I’ve officially stopped doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. (For the history on my mental illness you can read my blogs on May 27 and April 27 .)

On Saturday I turned over a much anticipated - too long in the making - new leaf. The official announcement follows...

Announcing the Newest Member of Our Family

He was brought into our world on...
06/07/2008 at 2:30pm
Weight 5.0 lbs
Measurements 2.78 x 8.92 x 1.08 inches

His given name was MacBook, but In honor of the "mid-husband"
who helped bring him into this world he has been renamed:

"Johnny Apple Zeed" (nicknamed Jaz)

He has two proud Godmothers who also assisted in the birthing process.
We are still learning how to parent him. But he isn’t a bit colicky. There are no crashes, no blue screens, no reboots, no locked keyboards. He is compatible with the other devices in our household and basically he is joy to be around
(obviously he takes after his new mom!)

So “so long farewell, na na hey hey goodbye” to my friends at Dell and Microsoft in Austin, Canada, India, and Jamaica. I’m walking out of the gates of hell (or as I’ve come to know it - Gates’ hell) and into the garden of eden where the Apple trees are in full bloom.

What kind of call did you just make?

Our family has a weird way of morphing nicknames. We all end up with nicknames for nicknames. An outsider would be lost. Heck - us insiders are lost too! So tonight I’m calling my sweet 16 year old, deaf, barely able to walk doggie, Betty, to come in from outside. I having to yell loudly and repetitively to get her attention. All of a sudden I really hear what I am saying. I’ve been saying this for months. Remember she’s deaf and I'm yelling real loud.

Here’s the morphing of the name Betty. It taken many years to get to this…

Betty
Bettina

Tina

Teenie
Shabetty
Shabooty
Booty
Booitcal

And finally over the last months I've been standing at the back door screaming:

BOOTY CALL!

No wonder the new neighbors are avoiding us.