Reply All

I'm about to barf. Ah... you are thinking the mac cheese might be getting to me. No. That would be a welcome reason to turn my tummy inside out. The reason I have the urge to "toss tacos" tonight is reading other "earnest" writer's blogs. OMG some of them make my need to blow chunks imminent. Of course it's not YOUR blog I'm talking about. Yours is "witty and pretty and bright" (or was that Maria right before she met Tony at the doomed dance?)

At a recent writer's workshop, the instructor promised NOT to create an emailing list. She thought we should exchange emails by choice (I took home one business card.) Problem was, prior to the workshop, she sent a group email with visible "to" addresses. We all came home with the same idea - start a blog. So "reply all" has become the method for all the new bloggers to share with each other. Remember this was a group of earnest writers. Their blogs were pretty heavy and since I gave up smoking pot a long time ago (as is evidenced by the fact that I still call it "pot"), I just can't get "high" enough to meet these folks out in the ethers.

Okay I, too, started a blog, but I did NOT hit reply all. Goodness only knows why you are reading this. Maybe you have insomnia too and are guilty of way too much www dot surfing dot allnightlong. Anyway, tonight I didn't have any warm wonderful words of wisdom worthy of blogging (do I get extra points for using all those "w" words in the same sentence?) So I decided to go read all the other earnest writer's blogs for inspiration. I'm inspired all right - inspired to vomit. Everyone was full of love and light. All I'm full of is tacos (maybe not for much longer).

As you know, from reading prior posts (you do hang on my every word don't you?), I'm a bit concerned with how mac cheese is impacting the size of my booty. Tonight I've seen the light and I've started a new diet. I'll eat dinner then read their blogs. I'll be thinner by morning...

Name Brand or Generic

I've always been a generic kind of girl. I figure why spend money to buy a product name when the store brand's just as good. Except purses that is. Everyone knows how much I like the purses whose brand name rhymes with roach. I admit it. Even when I buy mac cheese in a box I get the store brand. There I said it out loud. A couple of my friends are cringing right now. They wouldn't be caught dead with store brand mac cheese (if not careful it might kill us though!) If the box isn't blue and the name doesn't rhyme with "raft" it isn't going in their basket.

So why in the world is this author talking about brands? Because I just found out I am one. OMG - simple little Earnestine May is her very own brand. No more cheap imitations of me. No hiding behind someone else's wisdom. I'm "going for it" by writing my own book.

When the book is on the shelf at Barnes and Noble, it needs to say "look at me, that's right take me off the shelf, thumb through my pages, hold me, feel me, look at my picture, TAKE ME HOME!!!!" Oh dear, and I said I wasn't going to write adult content in this blog. It sounds like some crazy profile in getlaidnow dot com.

But evidently, I'd better figure out how get comfortable selling myself. And while I'm at it, I'd better stop eating so much mac cheese. If my book went to press today, we'd have to lay it out in a landscape format so there would be enough room for my butt on the back cover. Okay - now I'm scaring myself. Better stop before I get depressed and fire up a generic bowl of comfort! You know - the stuff that rhymes with "snack please."

TTFN - More soon...

Did Hemingway Eat Mac Cheese?

In preparation for a weekend of writing and website building:

4/24/08, Thursday 7:15pm

Go to club. Do 45 minutes of cardio.

8:30pm
Go to Kroger. Purchase $65 work of saturated trans fat laden carbs. Have not seen this particular collection of items in my basket since 1976. Bypass all outer aisles of grocery store, except to purchase heavy whipping cream (don’t ask.)

9:30pm
Consume pizza, pizza rolls, and Dove Milk Chocolate in a quantity that will take at least 8 hours of cardio to burn. 11:30pmTake laptop into spare bedroom. Begin competitive analysis section of proposal.

04/25/08, Friday 3:30am
After emailing Dixie for feedback (another earnest writer) shut down computer and go to master bedroom. Insert foam earplugs to defend against snoring of both husband and shorty b. dog.

4:30am
Begin to feel sleepy.

7:00am
Awaken to a French kiss (not from husband, but from freddie b. dog).

10am
Reawaken after going back to sleep. Being building website.

12pm
Make cheap family sized box of mac cheese.

12:30pm
Talk to various Web People on phone – sort through mass quantities of bull sh*t from said Web People, end up hosting with Yahoo. Return to stove. Eat mac cheese straight out of pan on stove with a spoon. Go back to laptop sort through more bull sh*t, begin making, progress on website, return to stove, get spoon, eat more mac cheese. Repeat these steps with little variation until 6:02pm.

6:02pm
Write in Earnestine’s diary. Realize that Earnestine stinks… Hopefully Earnestine will make it to the shower before husband gets home or will be left with only dogs to French kiss tonight. (Jeeze – I haven’t had a toothbrush in mouth yet today. Is this what it means to be a writer?)